Can Your Marriage Survive Substance Abuse and Addiction?

Author Note: Before we move on to more of the subject matter a note must be made, regarding the importance of people-first language. As anyone who has experienced issues with substances or knows someone who has attest, they are still people at the end of the day; worthy of respect and decency when being spoken of.

With that in mind, for the rest of this article and more importantly everyday life, I implore people to use people-first language such as individuals with substance use issues, or substance abuse issues, or substance use disorder, etc. Please help put to rest the dated notion of using dehumanizing labeling language like addict, alcoholic, drunk, pill-popper, junkie, crackhead, etc.

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Marriage is a commitment made between two individuals to honor each other every day until death do they part. And while the statistics around divorce can cast doubt on the institution of marriage, many can agree that when vows are exchanged, they intend to see it through to the end. However, as many of us married folks can attest, marriage is hard work and the relationship at its core needs to be prioritized every day.

That said, if you happen to throw in another layer to the already complex makeup of a marriage, like substance abuse and addiction, the odds of survival for any marriage start to diminish. Although divorce is usually the result of a combination of factors, there is a good chance that your marriage will not survive addiction. As noted by the University at Buffalo (2014), “alcohol and substance abuse are among the most common reasons given for divorce — the third most common for women and the eighth-most common for men.”[1]

The Scope of Addiction as a Societal Problem

When people hear “addiction” or “substance use disorder,” many think of illicit drugs, when in fact, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), 73% of adults suffering from a substance use disorder in 2019 struggled with an alcohol use disorder; as opposed to only 39% who struggled with illicit drugs.[2]

With the mainstream normalization of alcohol consumption, it is easy to understand how society doesn’t view how large of an issue alcoholism is to marriages and families. However, in a study conducted over nine years, it was found that nearly 50% of couples with a discrepant drinking pattern (where only one partner drinks heavily) divorced, while 30% of couples who drank at similar amounts divorced during this same time.[3]

Not to mention, one SAMHSA study noted that “polysubstance use is common — if a person is having problems with one substance, they are likely using and may be having problems with other substances.” What’s more, when these individuals suffer from such a “co-occurring disorder”, also known as a “dual diagnosis”, many receive treatment for only one of their ailments.[4] Indeed, it is estimated that of the adults living with co-occurring disorders, 34% receive mental health treatment, 2% enroll in drug rehab, and only 12% get the help they need for both disorders.[2]

There’s also the issue of the ripple effect on an individual’s career, home life, and society at large, with the fact that drug abuse and addiction cost American society more than $740 billion annually in lost workplace productivity, healthcare expenses, and crime-related costs.[5] That’s in the addition to the impact addiction has on marriages and families, which is no doubt as damaging to society as the direct economic effect, yet harder to quantify.

Personal Accounts of Being Married to Someone Struggling With Addiction

For those in relationships with individuals struggling with substance abuse, it’s hard to navigate how to go about addressing the issues. For some, couples therapy, interventions, checking into a rehab program, and abiding by a 12-step program can all serve as great options; all to say, there is no clear-cut solution. With that in mind, I interviewed various individuals from all over the country, spanning a variety of generations, races, cultures, and genders about their experiences being married to individuals who struggled with substance abuse.

S.P., a mother of four and a former armed services member, details how she met her ex-husband while serving and stationed overseas. “I met [my ex] in Germany in 1974 when we were stationed together. I was stationed in a company where a lot of the guys were doing heroin. But once women came in the drug use lessened. We both did our tour but I left first.” What S.P. detailed next was what happened when they were no longer together in Germany. “He went back to doing drugs and got arrested and sent to Leavenworth. When he got out… we got married… and had 4 kids and I missed a lot of his addictive behavior. My eldest became a full-blown addict, she knew about him and him [about] her.” After some 36 years of marriage, S.P. divorced her husband.

Kacie tells of a lifelong struggle with compound/complex trauma stemming from witnessing partner abuse and substance abuse firsthand as a young child, and normalizing the tumultuous behavior. “My history with relationships has always been pretty broken… when I was at the age where finding a life partner was my hope, I looked for the same kind of what I considered love or passion in a partner.” Kacie goes on to say, “Self-love was not my main objective, I wanted to be good enough for a husband. My first relationship at 20 was with a heroin addict… he wasn’t there for my infant son.” They ended up getting married because as Kacie puts it, she “wanted something to belong to.” However, it wasn’t long before belonging to something became more “… I was stuck to his addiction and got lost in the codependency. Not surprisingly, that relationship ended in him giving up on me.”

The next relationship Kacie found herself in lasted 12 years and was to a man with alcoholism, resulting in another child. The addiction moved on to violence, as Kacie describes, “Three domestic violence charges later, my 7-year-old at the time son being the voice of reason and asking to leave his dad and move back to Idaho.” Kacie is currently married to her husband of 10 years; a gentle, caring man, who unfortunately also struggles with alcoholism. Two years ago, Kacie asked him to enter rehab. What happened next changed both their lives forever. While staying with family before checking into a program, her husband was struck by a vehicle while meeting up with a friend to drink. Kacie now is a caregiver to a man with not only an addiction issue but also a TBI [traumatic brain injury] and is no longer the man she married 10 years ago. When asked about whether she intends to stay, “My growth [as an individual] makes me question my commitment to the relationship… I don’t love my husband in the sense that he is my partner. I value him in the sense that he is a human…”.

Speaking to the fact that addiction comes in many forms, all of which can ruin marriages and cause relationships to fail, Jay shares of his experience, “My ex-wife was addicted to a video game… she changed her name to be referred as her character name on WoW [World of Warcraft]. She thinks she [is] this made-up character, on game and in real life.” Jay goes on to say, “My paychecks would be drained due to her changing the guild name every week or so, or boosting another character; it just destroyed our relationship.”

And lastly, MaryAnne G., speaks of the perils of when addiction becomes a generational issue. Having been married for over 40 years, MaryAnne G.’s husband has experienced waves of addiction and is someone who is functional while living with alcoholism (he is currently clean and sober). However, their son was not so lucky, as he was plagued by the disease as well. MaryAnne G. elaborates telling the story of, “A child of an addict [who] survived addiction until the lack of health insurance led him to short term fixes for chronic pain, that could have been alleviated by a simple surgical procedure, but instead led to an opioid addiction. My beautiful son lost his fight on December 28th, 2019.” MaryAnne G. details how for years she felt as though she was unconsciously preparing herself for becoming a single mother, with years of school, degrees, and promotions. When asked how they are presently, she goes on to state, “Forty plus years later we are in a good place, but every so often the PTSD I experience rears its ugly head. Would I do it again? I’m not sure.”

The Importance of Boundaries and Self-Identity

All the above stories speak to the importance of establishing healthy boundaries, letting others take responsibility, and not losing oneself to roles. However, as we also know from their stories, this is easier said than done. With that in mind, here’s a list of some quick questions that partners and spouses can ask themselves:

• Are you setting healthy boundaries for yourself?

• Are you letting the people in your life take responsibility for themselves?

• Do you access any professional help outside your home?

• Do you give yourself time for your own self-care?

Being in a marriage where one partner is struggling with substance abuse does not mean that marriage is doomed to fail. If you act to make sure that the answer is “yes” to all of the above questions, take that as a victory because it means your relationship at least has a chance.

How to Get Help

Getting help and support for both spouses in a marriage where one partner is living with addiction is critical for the survival of the relationship. That, of course, is aside from the addiction recovery work that must take place. Below are some great organizations working that individuals dealing with addiction and their spouses.

Peer support programs for individuals struggling with substance use/abuse include:

• Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)

• Narcotics Anonymous (NA)

• Secular Organizations for Sobriety (S.O.S.)

• SMART Recovery

Programs for family members of individuals struggling with substance use/abuse include:

• Al-Anon

• Families Anonymous (FA)

• Nar-Anon

• CoDA (Codependents Anonymous

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References

1. Research Institute on Addictions — University at Buffalo. (2014, October 13). Does Drinking Affect Marriage? http://www.buffalo.edu/cria/news_events/es/es12.html

2. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2020, September). 2019 National Survey of Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) Releases. SAMHSA. https://www.samhsa.gov/data/release/2019-national-survey-drug-use-and-health-nsduh-releases

3. Leonard, K. E., Smith, P. H., & Homish, G. G. (2014). Concordant and discordant alcohol, tobacco, and marijuana use as predictors of marital dissolution. Psychology of addictive behaviors : journal of the Society of Psychologists in Addictive Behaviors, 28(3), 780–789. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034053

4. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2020, March). TIP 42: Substance Use Treatment for Persons With Co-Occurring Disorders. SAMHSA. https://store.samhsa.gov/sites/default/files/SAMHSA_Digital_Download/PEP20-02-01-004_Final_508.pdf

5. National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA). (2018, April). Fiscal Year 2019 Budget Information — Congressional Justification for National Institute on Drug Abuse. https://www.drugabuse.gov/about-nida/legislative-activities/budget-information/fiscal-year-2019-budget-information-congressional-justification-national-institute-drug-abuse

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Original article posted here: e-Counseling.com

21 Tips From a Therapist for Dating Someone With Depression

Depression is one of the most common forms of mental illness. According to recent research, over 20% of people in the United States have experienced at least one episode of major depressive disorder in their lifetime. With symptoms including sadness, apathy, low energy, and reduced libido, it’s no wonder that depression can take a serious toll on relationships.

All relationships take work. But, when you’re dating someone with depression, even ordinary challenges become magnified. Compound that with the heavy burden of trying to effectively support your partner through their depression, and you can very quickly find yourself feeling completely hopeless. You should never try to fill the role of a therapist, but you can implement strategies, specifically ones recommended by mental health professionals, to provide support while balancing your own needs.

Tips for Dating a Partner That Has Depression

1. Learn About Depression

Awareness is power. Understanding the types of symptoms your partner faces will help you have more patience and empathy. You’ll also learn that sad moods and irritability are not always caused by any particular event or action. Learning about depression will also help your partner feel more understood.

2. Ask Them Questions

When someone we love hurts, it’s common to try and immediately fix it. Instead, ask your partner questions about their needs. Simply asking, “what can I do to help?” creates a meaningful conversation that helps them feel heard and allows them to express what they want. Even if the answer is “I don’t know,” expressing your support and willingness to help offers comfort.

3. Be Patient

It’s normal to feel frustrated when the emotional burden of depression looms over your relationship. One of the most powerful and helpful tools you can offer your partner is being patient. Patience is especially crucial with difficulties such as low libido. You can’t fix your partner, but you can let them know that they have space to struggle.

4. Save the Advice

Although you have the best intentions and maybe even good advice, it’s not your place to offer advice. Instead, frame your “advice” as encouragement. Avoid using terms like “need” or “should” and focus on encouraging them to engage in helpful activities. Avoid saying: “You need help”, “You need to go outside” or “You should eat healthier.” Instead, try framing it like this: “Maybe a long walk outside will make you feel better.”

5. Don’t Take It Personally

Depression often causes people to lose interest in doing things they once enjoyed. On difficult days, it can feel like climbing a mountain just to get out of bed. If your partner seems short, distant, irritable, or disinterested– don’t take it personally. The symptoms of depression can often wear people down to the point where they say things they don’t mean or behave in ways that don’t reflect how they truly feel. Remind yourself that this illness zaps away joy and has nothing to do with your role as a partner or their desire to spend time with you.

6. Be There

Sometimes, the best support you can offer is merely being there. You can’t fix it or take away the pain, but you can sit with them as a supportive force while they endure it. It may be uncomfortable at first, especially if your partner is hurting greatly. You don’t need to discuss anything, you don’t need to offer solutions– just be there. You may sit together in silence, hold them while they hurt, or lay together. Your emotional support offers them a feeling of safety and stability.

7. Take Care of Yourself

It’s normal to feel stressed, worn out, or even resentful when your partner is experiencing depression. It is common for partners to lose sight of their own needs, which can bring many negative feelings into relationships. Make sure to prioritize your own self-care by taking time to exercise, decompress, eat right, and reach out for support when you need it. You won’t be much help to your partner when you’ve stretched yourself too thin anyways. 

8. Set Boundaries

Sometimes, a person with depression will act in a way that’s disruptive to your life. This may mean things like canceling plans or lashing out. Even though you understand that depression is the cause, it can still be hurtful. Create boundaries for yourself where you preserve your own needs while not causing your partner harm. For instance, when your partner cancels plans you were excited about, go ahead and do them anyways. During arguments that turn nasty, you can remove yourself from the situation to de-escalate. Healthy boundaries protect you and your partner from mounting resentment and negativity.

9. Re-Think Communication

When your partner has negative thoughts and cognitive distortions like “nobody loves me” or “I’m a failure,” it’s normal to want to tell them how silly that sounds. A more helpful approach is to validate your partner’s struggles without agreeing. You can try saying things like, “I know depression makes you feel that way, but I’m here, and I love you,” or “that’s a tough feeling to endure, I am here to support you through that.”

10. Repeat, Repeat, and Repeat

Telling your partner you love them, you’re attracted to them, and that they are special can all feel futile as they experience depression. Even if your partner doesn’t deem receptive, it’s important to still offer them affection. Your “no-strings-attached” affection creates a feeling of safety as they struggle with difficult emotions.

11. Practice Gratitude

It can be emotionally draining and feel unfair to experience a relationship with depression. Set a timer on your phone each day that reminds you to practice gratitude. During this moment, write down or mentally list one to three things you are grateful for. This act will help you regain perspective and encourage positive thinking–reducing stress and improving happiness.

12. Reach Out

It’s possible to feel overwhelmed by your partner’s experience with depression. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You can talk to a trusted friend, support group, or find a professional counselor to help you through your own emotions. Reaching out can help you practice your communication and build your coping skills.

13. Be the Team Captain

A relationship requires teamwork, and it’s rarely 50/50. When one team member is hurt, the other must sometimes take on more responsibilities to keep things moving. Depression makes it hard to focus, feel motivated, and do daily activities. Similar to if your partner broke their leg, you might need to amp up your contributions as they work through their symptoms of depression. After all, you’ll need their extra support one day too!

14. Find Compassion

Some days, it can be difficult to find compassion. You’re frustrated, overwhelmed, and feel under nurtured. Remind yourself that this person you love is hurting in a profound way. Their actions and behaviors are often due to the chemical imbalances in their brain caused by depression. Think of how hard it must be for them to feel sick and in pain every day, and dig deep to find compassion in those moments.

15. Go Together

If your partner is hesitant or lacking the drive to go to therapy or do other healthy activities– offer to do it together. For instance, engaging in online couples and marriage counseling services can be an excellent way for both partners to find external support and learn healthy coping mechanisms while avoiding the obstacle of convincing your partner to leave home. Similarly, getting your partner motivated to engage in activities like walks and dinners is easier when you go along with them.

16. Participate in Their Healing

If your partner is actively in therapy, they will be given homework assignments and tools for healing. Partners not in treatment may also adopt some self-care habits that help combat depression. Actively participating and even joining your partner in activities like journaling, meditation, and breathing techniques encourages them to engage in healing behaviors. As a bonus, you’ll gain mental health benefits along the way!

17. Watch Your Language

Despite the wide prevalence of mental illness, there is still some stigma attached. When discussing depression with your loved one, avoid using terms like “crazy” or “mental” to describe their experience. Depression is a physiological illness that is documented and as real as asthma or diabetes. With that in mind, be delicate when talking about it and refrain from making your partner feel flawed or weak. They are bravely weathering the storm, and they deserve to do so with dignity.

18. Stay Social

Some days, your partner may not feel like going out. Rather than isolating yourself socially, continue to maintain a social life. It may feel funny to go out without your partner, but socializing is an important activity for support, distraction, and revitalization.

19. Keep It Real

If your partner is getting worse and unwilling to participate in activities that contribute to their recovery– you may need to evaluate your relationship. Do your best to encourage them, support them, and offer to accompany them to any appointments. If none of these tactics work, have a direct conversation with your partner about your concerns. In some instances, you may need to reassess whether the relationship is working for both of you.

20. Keep an Eye Out

Many people with depression experience thoughts of suicide. It may not be possible to observe when people experience this internal struggle, but occasionally there are warning signs. If your partner is threatening to hurt themselves or suddenly becomes calm and at peace after a period of extreme sadness– you may want to reach out for professional help. You can also call the emergency mental health hotline by dialing 988 (in the United States).

21. Take a Deep Breath

Depression is draining to everyone involved. When symptoms are difficult, it may feel like it’s going to last forever. Remember that the severity is temporary, and there are many effective forms of treatment available (and many more being discovered). Building effective coping mechanisms with your partner (and on your own) will help you weather the storm. Relationships sometimes require a great deal of nurturing during difficult times. The contributions you make will benefit you both in the future.

Bottom Line

Depression robs people of many of the daily joys that we often take for granted. As the symptoms of depression wax and wane, they can create a great deal of stress on a relationship. Doing your best to learn how depression feels, communicating with your partner, and approaching your partner’s struggles with compassion are excellent strategies for managing this challenging disease. You can’t fix your partner’s depression or take away their pain, but you can offer an empathetic ear and emotional support. If you feel overwhelmed or concerned about your partner’s wellbeing, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help.

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Lisa Batten, PhD, CPT, PN1

Dr. Lisa Batten has a master’s degree in clinical psychology and a Ph.D. in developmental psychology. She has over a decade of experience in clinical research and specializes in writing about mental health, wellness, nutrition, and fitness.

This article was originally posted here.

Women & Anxiety - What Makes One Gender More Prone Than the Other?

Any men or women suffering from depression, anxiety or any other mental disorder should not lose hope as safe and effective women’s and men’s mental health treatments are easily accessible. When it comes to women’s mental health, the likelihood of experiencing anxiety is double as compared to men. There are some groups of women more vulnerable to anxiety disorder.

There are different types of anxiety disorder but the feeling of uneasiness is common in all types. Mild or severe worry or fear affecting daily life is pretty common in women suffering from anxiety disorder. Too much of anxiety in life can even take over your life. The sufferer is said to have a generalized anxiety disorder.

Physical conditions, stress, hormonal imbalance and genetic background are the factors known for triggering anxiety disorder. Young people, women and individuals suffering from chronic diseases are also likely to suffer from anxiety disorder. It has been found in researches conducted across countries that the number of women suffering from this mental disorder is double. Researchers are working on further researches to learn more about this mental disorder. They are investigating to find out interventions that can provide the greatest results. In addition to finding better treatments, the goal is to find the prevalence of this women’s mental health both in developing and underdeveloped nations. Numbers are hard to find due to lack of representation in some underdeveloped parts of the world.          

Here it is important to keep in mind that anxiety is not always a mental disorder. It is completely normal having the feeling of anxiety at certain times. Anxiety becomes a disorder when it starts affecting your life. See a doctor if anxiety starts causing distress.

But, Who Did The Study?

The researchers from the Westminster City Council and the University of Cambridge carried out this study. The UK National Institute of Health Research funded this research. The clinical journal Brain and Behaviour published this study.

The Times and the Mail Online claim that there are multiple causes of anxiety disorder in younger women. Being a working mother is one of these causes. However, this claim is not based on hard evidence. This claim is based on opinions.

However, the goal of the study by the Westminster City Council and the University of Cambridge was to collect pieces of evidence from systematic reviews. They studied the prevalence of this disorder. They studied the burden of this disorder across subgroups.

Researchers are holding anxiety disorder responsible for impairment to quality of life. This can also lead to significant disability. Researchers stress on better mental health services for women across the globe. There are many studies conducted in the past. However, this is the first one attempting to provide a comprehensive idea of the burden of anxiety across the globe. This study is based on systematic reviews presenting the highest level of evidence. The study has included reviews using different methods. Researchers have examined populations and also considered some other credible studies.  

What Was Involved In The Study?

They searched the three most reliable literature databases to get systematic reviews reporting the global burden of anxiety. Reviews included individuals with psychiatric conditions, chronic or infectious disease, addiction and other mental or medical health conditions. They also included reviews from populations more vulnerable to anxiety disorder. However, they did not include reviews covering anxiety disorders such as social anxiety, generalized anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder. They did not include reviews on anxiety treatment.

Two of the researchers did the quality assessment of the reviews. They figured out whether a review and extracted data are eligible or not. They included studies conducted on people of all ages. They examined studies on anxiety disorder from young children to seniors. These studies were of varying sizes. The anxiety assessment methods were also different in different studies. In some studies, there were structured interviews. In some studies, there were unstructured interviews. Some studies collected information from self-reported questionnaires.

What Were The Results?

In order to get a complete picture of how this disorder is globally distributed, they included results from 48 studies. Some of the major results are:

• The prevalence of this disorder in healthy men and women ranges from 3% to 25%.

• Female:male ratio of anxiety disorder is 1.9:1. This clearly shows that anxiety disorder is way more common in women. The ratio remains the same across different countries. The same goes for men and women having co-existing health conditions.    

• 2.5% to 9.1% of the young adults with age less than 35 years are affected by anxiety disorder.

• The prevalence of this mental disorder is the highest in the Middle East, North America and South America.    

• The prevalence of anxiety disorder is the lowest in East Asia.  

The researchers described the prevalence based on the five common themes including:

• Addiction

• Chronic physical diseases

• Mental and neurological disorders

• Vulnerable subgroups of the population

• Trauma

The researchers found that the prevalence of anxiety disorder was higher in people having chronic conditions. The prevalence ranged from 1.4% to 70%.  

How Did They Interpret The Results?

The researchers concluded that despite epidemiological developments in this field, still many important areas were not explored. They recognized the need for further research in the area of the prevalence of this disorder. Recommendations provided by the researchers can serve the purpose of a guide for the research agenda. This can help in timely and tailored interventions.

Conclusion

This study funded by The UK National Institute of Health Research gathered evidence-based data from 48 studies. They had a significant amount of data to study the global prevalence of this mental disorder. This also highlighted the demand for better treatment across the globe.

Anxiety is one of the most common women’s mental health issues. There are treatment centers offering women’s mental health treatments. These treatments are entirely based on the needs of the patient. Therapists offer extremely personalized treatments including a wide range of therapies for improving physical and mental health of the individual with anxiety disorder. However, the individual should keep in mind that anxiety disorder does not occur due to life events and some mental conditions only, bad lifestyle also leads to the development of anxiety disorder. Your unhealthy habits can interfere with the treatment as well.

This article was originally featured on the Gooden Center Website.